I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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