She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
