Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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