Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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