I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
