guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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