I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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