I seem to have left my pride at pride
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
