so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
