I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
