I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
