im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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