Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
