I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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