I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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