you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
