i just sent this text using only my big toe
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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