Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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