Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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