Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
