Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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