I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
