I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
