i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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