I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
