Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
