I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
