Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
