I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
