Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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