Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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