Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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