You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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