Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
