it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
