FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
