dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
