Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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