You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
3 2 1 whiskey
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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