Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
