They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
