Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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