when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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