I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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