Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
its liver damage thursday
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