upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
