i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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