I hate your face
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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