And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Randomize
