Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
