Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
