we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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