i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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